Everything Except the Turkey Puppet Clucking Sucks in ‘Amityville Turkey Day’ [The Amityville IP]

Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”

For the first entry in what will be the final year of this editorial series, The Amityville IP is going seasonal with the Thanksgiving themed Amityville Turkey Day, the sequel to Amityville Thanksgiving.

The new film is once again co-directed by Will Collazo Jr. and Julie Anne Prescott, both of whom co-write the screenplay with David Rodriguez. Despite three credited co-writers, however, the diegetic references to the lack of a script and ad-libbed dialogue could easily be seen as a meta reference to the film itself. After all, both Amityville Turkey Day‘s narrative and characters are so poorly sketched that for most of its runtime the majority of what happens and why verges on incomprehensible.

The plot, as it were, picks up some time after the events of Thanksgiving. In that film, Dr. Frank DeMonico (deceased actor Mark C. Fullhardt, who appears in video and to whom the film is dedicated) invited couples to his remote property in order to impregnate the women on Thanksgiving in a pact with the devil.

Amityville Turkey Day retcons the events of the first film to suggest that one victim, Jackie, conceived and birthed a child…or rather a turkey named Frank Jr (voiced by Steven Kiseleski). The vulgar bird aims to carry out his father’s legacy with the help of human assistant Bram (Dino Castelli, devoid of personality) who lures an independent film crew making (what else?) a low budget film called The Amityville Cannibal Thanksgiving in the hopes of killing, eating, and/or impregnating a woman before midnight on Thanksgiving.

The plot is flimsy at best and, in more capable hands, it could work reasonably well. Sadly, Amityville Turkey Day is cooked almost from the jump due to poor acting, thin characterizations, and a ridiculously inept script that overcomplicates every situation for no discernible reason. All of the human characters – from actor Enrique (David Perry, returning from Thanksgiving, albeit in a new role) to producer Ivy (Erica Dyer, screaming Every.Single.Line) to the interchangeable parade of generic white guys who exist to be murdered – are awful.

The exception is Michael Ruggiere’s Rocco, the director rocking a pornstache who at one point brings out a sandwich bag so filled with coke it must be worth more than the budget of the terrible movie they’re making. Only Ruggiere treats the film like a farce and his performance is so charmingly dumb that it’s a shame when Rocco passes out mid-way through the film. Alas, after that, all that’s left are a collection of duds.

It’s a shame because whenever the film cedes the screen to its poultry antagonist, Amityville Turkey Day completely comes alive. Frank Jr is rude, offensive, and sexist, but between Kiseleski’s vocal performance, which includes endless sexual and bird-related puns, the janky puppeteering, and the crude visual look of the turkey puppet itself, Frank Jr brings a burst of energy and silliness to the film that is sorely lacking in every other aspect.

Perhaps the holiday-themed mascot works so well because every other aspect of the production is insufferable, but any time the beak, the feathers, and the innuendos are flying, Amityville Turkey Day suddenly becomes significantly more watchable. It’s not good, but Frank Jr gives good beak.

The Amityville IP Awards go to…

• Frank Jr’s Dialogue: Is it rude and often offensive? Yes. Is it also cranky fun? Hell yes. Check out these snippets of dialogue:
  • When killing the lead actress: “here’s your close-up, c*nt”
  • When asked if he’s erect thinking about killing everyone: “I’m so hard…This is better than turkey p*ssy.”
  • After killing the AD behind the bar: “Tip your goddamn bartender, bitch boy.”
• Best Disguise: Frank Jr doesn’t exactly lure people to their deaths, so much as saunter up and kill them with his talons or beak. The turkey’s finest moment, though? Luring the horny pizza delivery guy (Ralph Rey) to his death by cooing things like “The more dick, the merrier” while wearing the actress’ blonde wig. Picture it: a paper mâché turkey puppet wearing a low rent blonde wig. It’s camp people!
• Parody Titles: Much of the bland early dialogue by the disposable human characters is how cheap and terrible Rocco’s films are (again: meta?). The crew seemingly divides their time between making regular films and pornos such as Slap Happy 5 and Cum Guzzlers Three. And then there’s Sam (Jeff Webb), a buff actor who arrives 65 minutes into the film and mentions appearing in Amityville Nurse Massacre 14, which was apparently “a finalist to make the nominations for a Chainsaw Award.”
• Sliding Sexuality: As everyone compares notes, a consistent theme emerges: 1) Rocco doesn’t pay most of the crew, and 2) he trades sexual favours for increased screen time for actors (both male and female). It’s a curious, but welcome example of the film’s casual approach to the Kinsey scale, even if discussions are mostly framed around the tickling effect of a mustache during a rim job.
• Recurring “Jokes”: While Frank Jr’s material is rude, crude and lewd, at least it passes for actual comedy. Compare his dialogue to a recurring “joke” between Lewis and Bram wherein the groundskeeper gives the actor toilet paper but asks him to clean it and hang dry it afterwards so that it can be reused. Ha ha?

• Producer Woes: As previously mentioned, Ivy’s sole purpose is to scream all of her lines, often at other characters. The producer whose money is on the line is a familiar and thankless role, but the character is beyond grating. Bizarrely, she also mistakenly believes that anyone working on set can do someone else’s job, such as when she recruits the sound guy to shoot the film. It could be a comedic observation about how Ivy doesn’t understand how films actually get made, but it doesn’t play like a joke in the performance.
• Reporter Woes: Another character that doesn’t make much sense is Jessica (Jen Elyse Feldy), a reporter posing as a make-up artist whose plan is to record footage of Dr. DeMonico’s murder house. This is revealed part-way through the film, but comes to nothing until the end when it is used as a narrative crutch to keep the survivors in the house. Again, this could have worked, but minutes later the group huddles around a phone watching a video ON THE INTERNET that gives them the evidence they need…and then they continue looking around the house. What? Why?!
• C/W Rape: Much like the first film, the narrative presupposes that the antagonist needs to rape a woman in order to force a demonic pregnancy. Here, it’s Jessica, but in a comedic beat, it’s clear that Frank Jr isn’t actually touching her and she actively mocks his inability to perform. Plus: the visual is a puppet turkey humping a comforter, yelling “Take my turkey batter.” Again, this is camp.

Next time: we’re less than five titles from the end (maybe? Finally?) with Evan Jacobs’ Amityville Backpack (2024), which has a pretty self-explanatory title.

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